Hello

Hello,

It’s been a while. It feels strange starting a blog post as a letter, but this page has always felt personal and when I’ve thought about writing this, it has felt a lot like a letter I need to write. Like a friend I need to get back in touch with and update on my life. I guess maybe that’s one reason why I’ve put it off for a while, sometimes there is so much to say you don’t know where to start or how or whether anyone cares at all.

I guess the main thing is I’ve moved to London, to Brixton, with a couple of friends from school. It all happened relatively quickly, we made the decision and had moved in within a month. At first I think that made me doubt whether it was the right thing, perhaps because we are taught to be rational and to think things through and make sure we’ve planned ahead. If this year has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you just can’t plan ahead. Depsite it perhaps not being the best decision financially, I think it was the right thing to do on all other counts. It’s made me feel like things are back on track again, that I’m actually an adult and it’s reminded me that life works in phases and I’m really bloody excited for this one. That being said, moving out for good has been strange. This is the first time in my life where I won’t go home for two months over Christmas or Summer, when I won’t head back to Bedford after I finish travelling and I don’t think that’s really sunk in yet, suddenly I’ve made a pretty permanent change.

I think that’s a good thing though, everyday I feel more and more like myself. I think I’d kind of forgotten who that was. I’m busy again, surrounded by people who make me laugh and feel good, it feels like I’m remembering what real life is like. I’ve also remembered what it’s like to be ok on my own and regain my independence, I feel like I’d started relying on others and what they thought of me more than I’d like. My own emotional intensity from the past year has began to subside and it feels a bit like something heavy has been lifted off my chest. I know that’s not the case for everyone and I’m not naïve, just feeling good again and grateful for it.

People keep asking how the job hunt is going and all I can say is, well, it’s going. Relatively unsuccessfully as of yet but it’s definitely going. Since lockdown lifted, there are definitely more jobs out there, the issue is there are also more people applying for them. I feel like job applications can be pretty demoralising at the best of times so you can imagine (and I’m sure many of you know) how rubbish it is. But a job will come, things will change again. On the plus side, it means I’ve actually been able to get to know my new area, to make a few new friends and engage in the community. I don’t know when the next chance to take things this slowly will be so I’m trying to make the most of it, fill my days with personal productivity and focus on smaller moments, to enjoy the little lights. There’s a poem I keep seeing on the tube called Time To Be Slow that I’ve read again and again. It speaks of not letting the wire brush of doubt scrape away your sense of self and how, if you remain generous, the air will become blushed with new beginnings. I think we’re all waiting for new beginnings and I hope yours find you soon.

Last week I turned 23, it’s an age I’m excited for and was grateful to mark with some brilliant people who made me feel very special. That being said, I felt far less invested in my birthday than I used to, I think it’s partly because, as I’ve gotten older, I put less pressure on age as a marker of accomplishments. There are far more tangible ways to look back on my achievements than simply the passing of time. Also, there is far less to be excited about when you can’t have a party, so maybe that was it.

I hope you’re well and staying both safe and sane. I know the next few months don’t look particularly bright but don’t underestimate yourself. As an individual I think you’re more prepared than you realise, we’re adaptable and you have survived this once before, you’ll do it again.

India x

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

Normality

We are creeping back to normality, slowly, reassuringly, strangely. I still miss being close to the people I care about, but to see them in 3D, as more than shoulders and a head on a screen, has been so important. To be around more than one person at a time and engage in conversations where friends can bounce off one another has made me feel so much more human again. I had missed the texture of conversation that happens when different people are together, bringing the depths of their own thoughts and opinions. Being able to laugh with people I hadn’t seen since I went away in January feels surreal, good, but still surreal.

Today, for the first time since March, I sat and people watched. I’ve missed watching stranger’s interactions, taking in the way people communicate and navigate the space around each other. Of course that’s different now, people need to leave more space and as necessary as it is, I’ve found it also makes reunions feel slightly anticlimactic. Friends spotting each other across the park move towards each other full of excitement but stopping just before they collide. Siblings meeting up for a walk keep apologising when they forget themselves and get too close. Together but not as we were, not as we would’ve been.

As exciting as it is, I think the change is making a lot of us apprehensive. We’re not out of the woods yet, but there are moments when it feels like we are. You can go shopping, sit in the park with your friends, have people over for a barbecue, all things that you might be doing anyway and yes, more cautions should be taken but as I say, it’s easy to forget. For many it’s also easy to forget how difficult things were and, as a result, how diffcult they could be again. I think many of us are finding this limbo and the not quite normal harder to navigate than where we were before. The inbetween means I’m constantly fluctuating between hopeful and hesitant.

People’s conversations are starting to be about things other than the pandemic. Some more trivial topics slipping back into our chats but, far more importantly, some long overdue discussions are happening too. Times are hopefully changing, in more ways than one.

I think a lot of the ongoing shift will be about balance. Today I saw three men walking through the park, each with a takeaway pint in one hand and wheeling their bike with the other. Keep doing what you can, but try not to feel guilty about sensibly tasting a bit of normality again. Avoid public transport, but enjoy your pint.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

Things To Look Forward To

Some days I feel settled into this new normal and on others I’m having lunch at 4pm and drinking quite a lot of gin. So, regardless of what kind of day I’m having, I’ve been trying to think about all the things I’m looking forward to and what I want to do when this is all over and I thought I’d share my list. Some of it’s mundane and some of it’s a bit more specific. I hope it makes you smile regardless.

So, when this is over I will

• Have a bloody big party, a full on weekend long shabang
• Finally swim in The Ponds on Hampstead Heath
• Get Frozen Yoghurt from the Soho Snog after 9pm, it’s scientifically proven to taste better after this time I don’t know why
• Meet someone at the St Pancras Champagne Bar
• Be better at supporting local businesses
• Sit in a coffee shop for at least 5 hours and just people watch
• Go to the beach
• Consume an entire jug of Pimms to myself
• Go strawberry picking for strawberries to use in said jug of Pimms
• Spend a day exploring in London without getting the bus or tube
• Go Out Out and really dance
• Have brunch at Granary Square and then play in the fountains
• Go to a National Trust property every weekend for a month
• Drive aimlessly
• Shop, sensibly, but definitely shop
• Go camping with friends in Cornwall
• Eat a lot of sushi
• Go to a gig every night for a week
• Continue to bake obscene amounts of banana bread
• Smile at everyone I see at the gym, even if it’s mildly creepy
• Go punting and actually do the punting bit myself
• Always have flowers in the house
• Buy more plants generally and keep them alive
• Go to the supermarket just to buy one thing, or even just walk around
• Enjoy being stuck in traffic or on delayed trains…maybe enjoy is a strong word but I’ll stress less
• Dress up for no reason
• Never again say ‘If only I had more time’, I currently have all the time and if anything am less productive
• Spend an entire afternoon in the park
• Get whatever I want at Pret and not worry about the price

Tell me what you want to do, tell me what you miss, get in touch I want to hear it all.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

Home

And just like that, I’m home and everything has changed so quickly. So quickly that even this paragraph I wrote 10 days ago is almost irrelevant but I thought I’d share in anyway.

‘It’s a strange time, there are moments where I forget that it’s real life. Grounded flights, countries on lockdown and barren supermarkets feels more like something out of a dystopian disaster film than a week in 2020. But that is what’s happening. It’s all anyone is talking about and it’s taken over a lot of people’s thoughts. I think partially because it’s a situation so out of anyone’s control, people like to be able to plan and control situations as much as possible but in this instance it’s impossible. I’ve been trying to plan my travels over the past week which has proved slightly difficult, the unknown creates a hesitancy to plan anything more than a few days in advance. My brother has just had to cancel his trip of a lifetime to India and another friend had to decide to postpone 5 months in South America the day before she was meant to fly. Obviously the virus is having a far worse effect on the health and livelihoods of others, it’s just the scale of the impact I can’t get over. Suddenly I’m wondering whether and when I’ll be able to get home and if I should be putting any kind of plan in place.’

Five days and much deliberating after that, I booked a flight home. A hard decision but the developments in the past week have reassured me it was the right one. If I’d stayed in Australia I wouldn’t have been able to travel, would’ve lost my job and just been stuck there, paying rent, on lockdown and on the other side of the world to the people I cared about. I was lucky, over the last couple of days it’s become pretty much impossible to leave Aus and all non-essential businesses have closed.

Being back feels strange, it’s like I never left, the past 10 weeks past are a hazy dream with golden edges. It’s been very different to the homecoming I’d imagined, there hasn’t been any excitement or big reunions with friends, no one is interested in hearing about my trip when there are so many more important things on people’s minds. I’m frustrated at myself, part of me feels I wasted the time. I went all that way and didn’t make it outside of Sydney, I didn’t see the best parts of the country or experience the any of the incredible scenery. But I’m just trying to remind myself that that’s ok and actually focus on what I did do rather than what I didn’t. I ate, drank and sunbathed my way around the city and felt what it’s like to live there, a luxury I shouldn’t take for granted. I met some wonderful people and I’ve been thinking that even if those friendships are the only thing to have come out of the past 10 weeks, then they were still definitely absolutely worth it.

There will probably be a final Australia post once the initial shock of this has all passed, there are photos and stories I still want to share but I’m not sure now is the right time. I hope you’re ok, that staying in isn’t driving you completely mad and the disruption to life isn’t too much, remember it’ll pass. Stay safe, stay inside and stay in touch x

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

 

Australia: Part 2

Today, by complete accident, I found myself at the beach where my family celebrated New Years Eve back in 2006. It’s funny how these things happen. How you can stumble back to a place or a person from a different time and it seems like a whole life ago. I guess in this case it kind of was, a lot has changed since 2006, expectedly so. It would not be good if I still looked like I did in 2006.

I had the day completely to myself and it was brilliant. It made me think back to two years ago when I was in Cambodia on my own. I found it hard, I’m a sociable person and as much as I could chat to people, I found the fleeting connections frustrating and struggled to be in my own head so much. Today I didn’t have that problem. I read, swam, listened to podcasts, sunbathed, had lunch and did it all as and when I wanted. It sounds silly but when I realised I was so happy and content in my own company, I felt so aware of how far I’ve come and such a sense of self-assurance. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t come to Australia and decided I don’t need to see anyone else, I’ve met some great people and started some friendships but sometimes it’s nice to have a day of complete self indulgence.

Back home, two of my friends have just got new jobs, another is moving into her new flat, one has just finished their dissertation and another has just booked a ticket to South America and it got me thinking about the differences in lives at this age. I’ve found there’s no competition, no comparison, just support, happiness and encouragement. Everyone is just working out their own life in their own time and I’m so pleased we’re at this point. There’s so many options and none of them are right or wrong, it’s a time to do whatever you want without justification or explanation. It’s exciting and something that I found overwhelming a few years ago, like too much time on my own.

Ok, enough with all the cheesy sentimental stuff. Enjoy a few photos from the past week instead.

One final thing I will say about being on your own though is that there’s no one to watch out for sunburn so I’m now the colour of a well cooked lobster. A gentle reminder that we all need other people or a harsh reminder of my own stupidity? You decide.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

Grief

Back in February I wrote an article for Lippy magazine about grief and losing someone. Last week it was published and I wanted to share the article on here as well. I’m proud of myself not only for having my first piece of writing published in print, but for finding the words to say all this.

I am experiencing grief, a loss like nothing I have felt before. It is something that creeps up on me unexpectedly, catches me off guard and throws me off course. My life is permanently changed and yet, no one is talking about it.

In December, my dad died after nine years of cancer and it has been a very strange time, particularly since being back at university. I am more anxious, more indecisive, more emotional, I cry because I don’t know what I want for dinner and laugh at the inappropriate jokes I make. I am sad, but equally, I am so incredibly frustrated.

I know that everyone grieves differently, and that perhaps some don’t want to discuss their emotions, that its too soon to bring up their loved one and they would rather process everything internally, but that is not me. I am trying to keep my dad close, to summon my memories to the forefront of my mind and to feel him with me daily, yet I’m struggling to do so because my immediate circle are saying nothing. They are censoring themselves to the point where they aren’t acknowledging what I’m going through, they don’t ask questions or continue conversations when I bring him up. I don’t know if they are scared of upsetting me, if they think I’m fine or if it slips their mind’s in the busyness of their own lives but regardless, I am desperate for a change.

As a result of the censorship of their own speech, whether it’s conscious or not, I feel like the same is being done to mine. I am scared to bring things up for fear of making people uncomfortable, for feeling like a burden and perhaps I worry they’ll feel guilty for not actually addressing it. Clearly, I don’t want this. I want an open conversation. I want to share my memories, stories and laughter with my friends. I want to open up about my confusion, my anger, my sadness and to encourage them to be aware of their families and for them to understand that it’s ok to acknowledge my dad. He has died but he also lived, just because he is gone does not mean his name has to be reduced to a whisper.

Dad was hilarious and more than anything it is the endless laughter that I’ll remember. He planned the most incredible holidays and seemed to know how to get anywhere without looking at a map. He had three successful careers and ran five London marathons. He could get on with anyone and knew the importance of good relationships. He thought warthogs were called ‘waterhogs’ and got confused between risotto and ravioli. He was rubbish at knowing song lyrics but he was brilliant at knowing about castles. He has made my siblings and I who we are, and I want to tell people about that.

Talking about grief is so crucial to the healing. This sounds obvious and yet many forget. It helps people to process emotions they may not have even realised they were feeling, it can help people feel closer to who they’ve lost, it acts as a form of release and can prevent the immense isolation that can feel so heavy. That is not to say you should put your life on hold and constantly be ready to be there for anyone experiencing it, almost the opposite. By discussing grief we are normalising it, we are making it part of the everyday, it is something we will all experience at some point, so why is it so rarely talked about? We don’t need to always take time out of our day to have emotional conversations, we just need to mention it, even if its just in passing.

Perhaps I should be saying this directly to my friends, in fact I know that I should, but I am hesitant to make that step. I feel as though I am too busy processing my own thoughts and emotions to worry about what their’s are. I know everyone is going through things and I know life has not stopped just because of what I am experiencing. I don’t know how I would behave if our roles were reversed but that being said, I do know the importance of being aware of people’s lives, of acknowledging the experiences they’ve had and those they may be having.

So uncensor yourselves, when someone is experiencing loss, acknowledge it. Ask them questions, bring up death, let them tell you about the person, about how they are feeling, about the things they’re thinking. Do not tiptoe around their grief as though you are scared you’ll set it off. You are not a trigger, you are their support.

The magazines are £4 and available to buy from Balcony and Common Ground in Leeds or if you want me to post you a copy let me know. It is obviously full of great articles by other budding writers.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

Out of Sorts

It is a strange time of year, it’s just before the Christmas festivities kick in properly but winter has definitely arrived, its dark before 4 and I don’t think I’ve seen the sun in at least a 10 days.

For the last week or so I think I’ve been out of sorts, I think lots of people have. It’s hard when the weather is so cold and all anyone can think about is university deadlines. There are also lots of things happening with my family at home so its hard to be away from them, I feel very distant. That being said, you’re not here to listen to me complain, so on a more positive note, here are a few of things that I’m appreciating and are helping to keep me (slightly) sane, they may work for you too.

• Rubbish rom coms and Christmas films with whoever will watch them with me. Would recommend Texas based Forever my Girl on Netflix and I’m just days away from getting Love Actually on.
• To do lists. Especially with small goals, everyday feels productive, even if I’ve just showered, can give that a tick.
• Yes its cold, but trying to stay inside doesn’t mean retail therapy has to stop due to the wonder of online shopping. In my case its online browsing but still.
• Christmas Markets may be overpriced and not quite the same as actually being in Germany but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth a visit, one of the best ways to feel festive.
• Speaking of festive, I have decided there is no shame in buying an advent calendar for yourself, or asking someone to get one for you. Its the small things.
• Food is a friend, especially in winter when you’re in layers rather than bikinis. Plan warm meals and spend time cooking with people.
• I may not be middle aged but I’m loving Radio 2 (don’t laugh), I think because it reminds me of home, but its always nice to have on in the background. Or a podcast, I love The High Low and Pillow Talk (the fact I host the latter doesn’t change my opinion).
• Facetime and phone the people you care about. It’s not the same as being with them but it helps.
• Make plans. Whether its a coffee with a friend or what’s happening on New Years Eve, its good to have things to look forward to other than submitting an essay.

I hope that helps but if all else fails, whack on some Christmas music and whip out the mince pies, no judgement here.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

 

21

A week ago I turned 21. It’s taken me this long to write this because I haven’t really known what to say (and I’ve been ridiculously busy but we’ll gloss over that).

I had the most wonderful birthday celebrations, I was spoilt rotten and had an amazing party surrounded by people I love and yet there was a strange nostalgia that came with the weekend.

Birthdays are strange generally, a bit like New Years Eve in that they give you a chance to reflect on the past year and all the things you did or didn’t achieve and it can feel odd celebrating a day that feels like any other. I feel like 21 is meant to mark a bit of a transition into adulthood, I am now closer to 30 than I am to 10, obvious I know, but it’s something I feel very aware of. I don’t feel like an adult but I don’t feel like a teenager either, I’m somewhere in between attempting to navigate day to day life.

This week hasn’t felt any different to the ones I experienced when I was 20, to be honest it doesn’t feel much different to the ones I experienced when I was 18 but looking back, I know that a lot has changed. I have grown, I have new opinions, I have new people in my life and I know far more. Change is gradual, growing up is gradual but it’s happening.

I did think about doing a ’21 things I’ve learned in 21 years’ type thing but then realised that firstly, I don’t know anything groundbreaking and secondly, that it would be too cliche, even for me. I will say this though; all you can do is your best, people come and go in phases and nothing beats a good sunset.

I don’t know what this next year will hold, hopefully some more growth, a degree, lots of laughter. I’m constantly working on getting closer to the person I want to be, even if I’m not too sure who that is yet.

Thank you to everyone who was involved in my birthday celebrations in any way, you’re wonderful.

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett

 

Leeds

In a week I head back to Leeds, and although there is still a while until my final year actually starts, I’m already starting to worry about what life might hold after it and I already have a strange sense of nostalgia.

The truth is that for me, university wasn’t everything I wanted it to be, at least not straight away. I found the majority of my first year incredibly lonely and overwhelming, which was something I hadn’t experienced before. I think perhaps we hear so many stories about how amazing it is and how you meet so many people who become your friends for life that you’re not prepared for what happens when it doesn’t meet those expectations. I found it could be quite isolating. I loved being in a city though and pushed myself to keep meeting people and by the end of the year, I was sad to leave it all.

Second year was much better, I felt far more settled and preferred being in a house. I surrounded myself with like minded people, made sure my days were busy and took advantage of opportunities that came my way and the city I was in. I spent a lot of the year laughing and doing things that made me happy with people who made me happy.

 

 

But now, I’m thinking about my final year, about all the things I said I would do at university but haven’t, about how quickly it’s all gone and about what I’m going to do after it’s over. It’s not that I’ve got no idea what I want to do, it’s that there are so many things, I have so many different paths I could go down. I need to remember that there’s no rush, I have 9 years left of my twenties and as hyped up as they are, there are plenty of years after them. I guess I just have to make the most of what is planned, because after that who knows where I’ll be.

So this year, I’m going to work, yes, but I’m also going to join the societies I didn’t quite get round to joining and explore the city a bit more. I promised my mum I’d do a night of stand up comedy but perhaps that’s still a bit far-fetched. I want to actually do my readings so that there’s less late night library sessions and more time spent with friends.

Most importantly, I’m going to try not to compare my experiences with everyone else’s, because I’m pretty sure they’re probably just as stressed about it all as me.

 

Instagram: @IndiaGarrett

Twitter: @IndiaGarrett