It’s been a while. It feels strange starting a blog post as a letter, but this page has always felt personal and when I’ve thought about writing this, it has felt a lot like a letter I need to write. Like a friend I need to get back in touch with and update on my life. I guess maybe that’s one reason why I’ve put it off for a while, sometimes there is so much to say you don’t know where to start or how or whether anyone cares at all.
I guess the main thing is I’ve moved to London, to Brixton, with a couple of friends from school. It all happened relatively quickly, we made the decision and had moved in within a month. At first I think that made me doubt whether it was the right thing, perhaps because we are taught to be rational and to think things through and make sure we’ve planned ahead. If this year has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you just can’t plan ahead. Depsite it perhaps not being the best decision financially, I think it was the right thing to do on all other counts. It’s made me feel like things are back on track again, that I’m actually an adult and it’s reminded me that life works in phases and I’m really bloody excited for this one. That being said, moving out for good has been strange. This is the first time in my life where I won’t go home for two months over Christmas or Summer, when I won’t head back to Bedford after I finish travelling and I don’t think that’s really sunk in yet, suddenly I’ve made a pretty permanent change.
I think that’s a good thing though, everyday I feel more and more like myself. I think I’d kind of forgotten who that was. I’m busy again, surrounded by people who make me laugh and feel good, it feels like I’m remembering what real life is like. I’ve also remembered what it’s like to be ok on my own and regain my independence, I feel like I’d started relying on others and what they thought of me more than I’d like. My own emotional intensity from the past year has began to subside and it feels a bit like something heavy has been lifted off my chest. I know that’s not the case for everyone and I’m not naïve, just feeling good again and grateful for it.
People keep asking how the job hunt is going and all I can say is, well, it’s going. Relatively unsuccessfully as of yet but it’s definitely going. Since lockdown lifted, there are definitely more jobs out there, the issue is there are also more people applying for them. I feel like job applications can be pretty demoralising at the best of times so you can imagine (and I’m sure many of you know) how rubbish it is. But a job will come, things will change again. On the plus side, it means I’ve actually been able to get to know my new area, to make a few new friends and engage in the community. I don’t know when the next chance to take things this slowly will be so I’m trying to make the most of it, fill my days with personal productivity and focus on smaller moments, to enjoy the little lights. There’s a poem I keep seeing on the tube called Time To Be Slow that I’ve read again and again. It speaks of not letting the wire brush of doubt scrape away your sense of self and how, if you remain generous, the air will become blushed with new beginnings. I think we’re all waiting for new beginnings and I hope yours find you soon.
Last week I turned 23, it’s an age I’m excited for and was grateful to mark with some brilliant people who made me feel very special. That being said, I felt far less invested in my birthday than I used to, I think it’s partly because, as I’ve gotten older, I put less pressure on age as a marker of accomplishments. There are far more tangible ways to look back on my achievements than simply the passing of time. Also, there is far less to be excited about when you can’t have a party, so maybe that was it.
I hope you’re well and staying both safe and sane. I know the next few months don’t look particularly bright but don’t underestimate yourself. As an individual I think you’re more prepared than you realise, we’re adaptable and you have survived this once before, you’ll do it again.